Today feels like de ja vous. I remember the pain Mike and I went through back when Trey was just born - the unknown - and here we are, living it again.
Today was the appointment with the geneticists and the feelings we came away with weren’t warm and fuzzy and definitely not feeling that it could just be related to the results from birth and the complications of the jaundice and liver. Mike said I was such a Mama bear and that he was so proud of me for being able to rattle off Trey’s past medical information so accurately. It doesn’t feel good to hear and watch a doctor pick apart your child, piece by piece… to us he is perfect! Please God, please help me through this, it has been unbearable, the realization that this could be so much more. I comprehend that the results of these tests my baby is about to undergo are out of my hands, that this is all so much bigger that Mike and I but please let it be okay! Please, I pray that although I appreciate this doctors concerns with Trey and this horrific condition, please let her be wrong. God, my heart is so heavy, it aches for Trey – I beg you to give me the strength to be strong for him,Drake and Broc because more than ever they all need me. I’ve prayed and talked to you everyday since I can remember for your help with so many things, for signs and for answers. I constantly ask that your answers hit me over the head in order for me to “get it” but this time I ask for the opposite – please let these tests be inconclusive, the unknown or idiopathic is so fine for me. I loved Dr. White’s analogy about Trey being perfect on the inside and just a little different on the outside. Please God, don’t let this take over my babies body. I know you know what an angel he is, you sent him to us. You also know that he is my light and the being that makes this family tick. He is the one that makes us smile and laugh, the one we all look so forward to kissing and hugging goodnight and greeting with such anticipation in the morning and also at every nap, you see how he has brought so much sunshine to our lives. I pray with all I am that you don’t take that away from him… from us. Please show us a happy ending once again and please know that we are learning from you every step of the way. I understand what you are teaching me, please bring me out of this pit. Please God, embrace my child with your healing hands. We thank you for our health nightly, please give us a healthy baby. Trey is my heart, my soul, my everything good. I pray that no pain beyond the basic blood draw ever be a part of his life. I wish I didn’t know this pain, I wish I’d never asked, I wish the doctor would have given Mike and I some one-on-one time and explained more so that this feeling of unknown wouldn’t cut so deep. But instead, it’s here and it hurts. Please God don’t let this be our fate!
Well, we all know how this story played out. I wish I wouldn’t associate this day with those unfathomable days and nights following but in its place only celebrate that it is also my mom’s birthday. Instead, I will choose to fast forward that frightful day to today, November 13, 2009 and thank God that although the diagnosis and misdiagnosis were not our prayers answered, Trey, Broc and Drake are our answered prayers and we thank God profusely for the three of them. We also will rest in knowing that it is all in HIS time.
For today, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!
* a picture just days after the diagnosis,2007
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