Tonight I feel like folding. I feel like people don’t understand if I’m not the “Cami” they know. I’m tired of pretending that it doesn’t hurt. I have a “game face” on and when it’ just me and my thoughts alone at night, I want to cry for hours on end and yell and scream, why? why him? why my precious baby?
Mike said something to me tonight that took the words right out of my mouth. He came in on my crying and said how heartbroken he was going to be the day Trey realizes he’s different. I was thinking just that. Today was his first day back to preschool (after the Christmas break) and a little girl asked what was wrong with Trey’s shirt. Nothing was wrong with his shirt it was his pecked chest that looked different (or wrong) to her. At the boys wrestling camp a little boy called Trey a girl and asked why his head was so big and his hands were so small? Thank God Trey isn’t picking up on this yet. I will crumble the first time his feeling get hurt.
How does my heart endure such cruelty to my very own? How do I give him the securities to be strong enough to handle this cruel, cruel world we live in? Better yet, how can I fix my baby so that he won’t have to endure this lifelong pain? My heart is broken into a million pieces anticipating his pain.
I am so extremely sad and wished I had the answers to make it all better…Isn’t that what a Mommy is supposed to do?
Signed in sadness,
Cami
3 comments:
I don't have words to express my heart ache for you, as a mother and as a friend. I know that you are amazing at both. I can only imagine how you must feel and even at that I am sure I can not grasp your pain. I want you to know that I love you very much and I am here for you. If you need to talk, I will listen. If you need to Cry, I have a shoulder. If you need to Laugh I have a joke.
I am honored to be your friend and I hope that I can be there for you no matter what it may be.
I love you
Alexis
I do not know why God has chosen this really hard and unfair path for our little "angel" but I do know we'll never give up hope that we can make a difference in his young life!
I love you Cami.
Mike
Having been totally overwhelmed for about the last 3 years, after being the care provider for my mother, oh how I wish I had been able to live in the day, in the moment. I always felt this huge responsibility that it was up to me to make my mother well, and felt such guilt that I couldn't. I still carry that guilt, and wish I had been able to just live in the moment with her and all her ailments. We all only have so much time with the ones we love, and not knowing what that time will be we must never let go of today. That doesn't mean we also can't look towards the hope of tomorrow. Although I had the love and support of my husband and kids, they could never feel the pain I felt everyday. It was hard for them to see me change. There were days I didn't think I could go on for sure. I gave up on me and everything I once one. It forever changed who I was. Now she's gone and I must move forward but oh how I wish I had one of those difficult days with her now. I miss her so. Hold on to one another always. Tears are ok, even if you have to share them alone.
love Kim B
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